I never thought about what life was going to be like without my dog, but I now know what it is like without her.
In October, Cha Cha was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her appointment to get it removed was set to happen on 11/21, but she passed away on 11/18. Leading up to her death, I knew I did not have that much time with her. She was losing lots of weight because she was no longer eating, she formed open wounds on her abdomen due to the cancer, and I saw the life draining out of her eyes. When I came home from work on Thursday, I noticed she was not able to make it outside to use the bathroom, and she had no desire to even eat small amounts of food anymore, and whatever she did manage to eat, she happened to throw up later. I held her in my arms that night, and asked her to make it to the morning. When the vet opened for the day, I immediately called them and was able to be seen at 9am for an emergency evaluation. Upon completion of an x-ray and ultrasound, it was confirmed that her cancer had spread and her uterus was filled with fluid. Surgery could no longer be performed on her, so she had to be euthanized.
When the vet tech came to sedate her, she stuck her with the needle and Cha Cha yelped in pain and jumped into my arms. I was supposed to keep her safe, and I failed her. I held Cha Cha in my arms like my baby I always said she was. I rocked her back and forth, while singing her my childhood lullaby- “Hush little baby don’t say a word, mama’s gonna buy you the whole wide world”. I felt her go limp in my arms. During this time, I cried, I shared memories, and I said sorry a thousand times. When the vet and vet tech came back into the room, I placed her on the table and put my hand on her to pet her. After the second needle, she was gone within seconds. I spent more time with her after she passed, and I told her how sorry I was that this had to happen to her. I gave her two kisses, and saw her lifeless on the table when I went to shut the door.
I do not think I will ever stop grieving over the loss of Cha Cha.
Life Of Clarissa 